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Stress And Me

All my life I have had some stressful encounter i.e. having a mother on drugs; my father was extremely abusive to me, I had the responsibility to take care of my siblings also. Not only was my childhood stressful, but that stress followed me into adulthood too. The way I handled stress remained the same rather I were a child or an adult. When life became too much I just pretended it didn’t happen, I began to in-vision a happier place, but I never seem to deal with the problem. As I grew older, I felt that I could not deal with stressful events without something strange happening to my body. At first, I became really tired, and then the symptoms got worse.

          I noticed that I was loosing control of my life, soon I started having headaches and my body seemed to grow tired. Just when I could not take it anymore the stress and its problems would just leave. I use to wonder what was going on with me.

          Due to the stress, I left my husband of 18 years to start a new life, at first it was really hard, but I had to go. When I was around him I noticed my body would have spasms or shots of pain. When I started having the same childhood feelings I knew I had to do something, because I felt that I would die if I didn’t.

          I noticed that my body would have some odd behaviors. Imagine receiving a phone call that you are in trouble with your parents. Your parents would not tell you what you did, but that you are in big trouble. At first your heart races, and then you begin to panic. Thoughts begin to race through your mind, “What did I do?”

Suddenly, you hear them pull up in the driveway, and your stomach feels as if you are about to vomit. Doesn’t that sound like a horrible ordeal to go through? Well, that’s how I started to feel when I was around my ex-husband.

          As I look back to the stressful times in my life, I noticed that there were signs that I could not SEE. For example, the fight-or-flight response. When I felt stressed out, I felt like I wanted to run, cry, fight, die or something (I could not pinpoint my feelings or emotions).

          When I was 34 years old, I had reached my boiling point with the stress in my life. I went to the doctor to have a physical and the doctor took some routine blood test. A few days later she called and told me she had some concerns about my results. At first, my mind and body had a meltdown. Next, I pulled myself together and went to hear my bad news. The doctor explained to me that I had diabetes. I realized at that point that I had to take care of myself.

Now if I encounter stressful situations I work through them, I exercise at least four days a week and eat a healthy diet. At first, I thought having diabetes was a death sentence, but now I feel having it saved my life. Because I have diabetes I am aware of my health and I make more conscious decisions.

In closing, stress has taken over my life, when stressful events occurred I didn’t deal with them. Eventually my body spoke and I had to listen to it. I developed a serious disease because of my stress, now I take better care of myself because I have to.

*Update* I am no longer diabetic! I am pre-diabetic and look forward to be completely cured by next year!

Love Of Self

The life time I have only loved others. This life time I have only place others in front of me. This life time I have feed others spiritually, mentally and physically. This life time I have placed others on a pedestal. This life time I have chosen to be the doormat to others.

I have assumed this horrible position, due to a childhood trauma. I had decided that it was my job to wear a cape and turn into Super-Woman. Not realizing that I did not possess a cape large enough, or the inner strength to complete such a task.

As a child, I watched my mother being abused. It was an everyday occurance. I felt so helpless. I wanted to save her, but who would save me? Each day, this huge monster would beat my mother.

To me, he was ten feet tall. He was as big as a Mac truck. I did not think my tiny fist could cause damage of save my mom. I would lie awake at night thinking of ways to make her life better. I became obsessed with this.

One day, he attacked her and I was paralysed. The only thing I could do was scream for help! However, my screams went unanswered! I lost count of the amount of hits he threw at her. My voice became lost and entangled with his punches. After a while, I could not hear my screams or see his hits.

I think I may have blacked out. I do not remeber what happened next, I just appeared in a window. I saw my mother walking by. I screamed, (with tears streaming from my eyes), “Mommy, I am glad you are ok!”

Her response would start me on a downward spiral. The beginning of my life of being EVERYTHING for EVERYONE! She said, “Why didn’t you help me?”

My heart sanked into my stomach. The thought of me only being seven years old did not cross my mind. The thought of me only being sixty pounds was far from my mind. Let me tell you what was on my mind! It was up to me to rescue EVERYONE even if it killed me.

It has been about thirty-nine years ago since that happened. The remnants still remain. The difference is, now, I am learning to rescue myself. Learning to love myself. Last, but not least, I am learning to burn my cape!

To be continued!

Graduation

The time is coming.
So close I can almost touch it.
I can see myself walking steadfastly down the aisle.
I can hear my children yelling in the crowd.
I can see my hand stretched out.
Waiting to take my Degree cover.
I know my life will change.
I welcome all that comes with it.
:’)

overwhelming feeling!

I was downtown the other day. My family and I was enjoying a sunny day while my son and his Dad was playing in the interactive water fountain, now this seems like a normal wonderful event, right? Well it was interrupted by something that made me so upset. There was a family next to us eating. Nothing unusual about that (so it seems). Then the mother (who was overweight) yells at her kid (who also was overweight) to stop stuffing her mouth with food. I couldn’t believe it. I thought to myself, “What the f, are you yelling at her for doing what you taught her.” I felt so angry. I thought I was going to throw something at her. If you don’t want your children to he unhealthy give them some fruit or vegetables. Whatever you do stop taking it out on your sweet innocent children and look in the mirror. All of my girls are small because I give them healthy alternatives. Get it together lady.

Today

Today I woke up with many questions.
Today I should get many answers.
Today offers many promises.
Today. Should those promises be broken?
Today I will know my answer not today, but.
Tomorrow .

Where is the Love?

I look and see so much sadness surrounding me and I have one question. “Where is the love?”

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