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Love Of Self

October 26, 2020

The life time I have only loved others. This life time I have only place others in front of me. This life time I have feed others spiritually, mentally and physically. This life time I have placed others on a pedestal. This life time I have chosen to be the doormat to others.

I have assumed this horrible position, due to a childhood trauma. I had decided that it was my job to wear a cape and turn into Super-Woman. Not realizing that I did not possess a cape large enough, or the inner strength to complete such a task.

As a child, I watched my mother being abused. It was an everyday occurance. I felt so helpless. I wanted to save her, but who would save me? Each day, this huge monster would beat my mother.

To me, he was ten feet tall. He was as big as a Mac truck. I did not think my tiny fist could cause damage of save my mom. I would lie awake at night thinking of ways to make her life better. I became obsessed with this.

One day, he attacked her and I was paralysed. The only thing I could do was scream for help! However, my screams went unanswered! I lost count of the amount of hits he threw at her. My voice became lost and entangled with his punches. After a while, I could not hear my screams or see his hits.

I think I may have blacked out. I do not remeber what happened next, I just appeared in a window. I saw my mother walking by. I screamed, (with tears streaming from my eyes), “Mommy, I am glad you are ok!”

Her response would start me on a downward spiral. The beginning of my life of being EVERYTHING for EVERYONE! She said, “Why didn’t you help me?”

My heart sanked into my stomach. The thought of me only being seven years old did not cross my mind. The thought of me only being sixty pounds was far from my mind. Let me tell you what was on my mind! It was up to me to rescue EVERYONE even if it killed me.

It has been about thirty-nine years ago since that happened. The remnants still remain. The difference is, now, I am learning to rescue myself. Learning to love myself. Last, but not least, I am learning to burn my cape!

To be continued!

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